Regardless of how we get started, in time most of us gain the knowledge and experience it takes to know the difference between good and great sex.  At the same time, we are also apt to learn that while good sex can be easy, great sex is rare.

Sure, we may have had that once in a lifetime hook-up, where flirtation ignited passion, the heavens parted and raging orgasms abound.  But if orgasm rates are any indication of satisfaction, then a great sex hook-up is extremely rare, since most yield poor results for women, while men would probably rate them higher.

When attraction leads to casual sex, or sex with a familiar partner, good sex becomes more common and may be a big part of why we go back for more.  With any initial weirdness behind us, satisfaction levels increase, leading to even better sex, perhaps even the rare great sex.  After all, isn’t the rarity of great sex the reason why so many casual relationships last longer than they “should”?  “Because the sex is so good!”

The connection between time with a partner and sexual satisfaction tells us that if it’s great sex we want, then our best chance is with a long-term partner.  Intimacy and experience often combine to overcome insecurities, taking couples on a ride of discovery and many episodes of great sex.  And yet, despite the continued opportunity and pattern of success, great sex often wanes and love-making becomes less frequent.

There are, of course, many factors that contribute to great sex, and so far no one has been able to reliably identify a one-size-fits-all magical combination.  Despite the confusion, we can take some of the mystery out of the equation and greatly improve our chances by mastering the elements that are commonly found in most, if not all, of the best sex.Here is my list of four components to great sex:

Here is my list of four components to great sex:


No big surprise here – communication skill levels are directly related to the odds of having great sex.  But rather than consider it as some kind of open-ended concept where “more is better”, take a moment to truly evaluate your ability to communicate about sex with your current or past lover.  Are you more prone to rely upon the non-verbal moans and groans of sex, or the “copulatory vocalization” I parodied in my posting Sex-Speak Decoded?  Or are you also comfortable using words to let your lover know what works and what doesn’t?  Is your communication limited to real-time only, or are you also able to discuss sex outside of the bedroom?  And so on – with the ultimate goal of being able to discuss the subject of sex in its entirety, at any appropriate time, including past experiences and deepest fantasies.

Comfort Level

A quick peek at our culture is all that it takes to understand why so many people have guilt or embarrassment issues with sex.  But like it or not, our ability to enjoy sex is directly related to our comfort level, with the odds for great sex favoring the least encumbered.  Fear of embarrassment or shame is the ultimate cockblock, while an open mind is more prone to sexual exploration and the acceptance of pleasure in all its forms.

Balanced Sexual Energy

Understanding and embracing this concept is hampered by the limitations of our language, as well as for being among the most restrictive conditioning our culture doles out.  It involves the terms masculine and feminine, words that have come to apply more about self-image issues than sexual energy.  Because when it comes to sexual energy, masculine and feminine are independent of gender, existing more like yin and yang, terms in eastern philosophy that describe how apparently opposite elements such as fire and water, light and dark and man and woman are actually in natural balance with each other.  Sexual behavior is not assigned by gender, though many people have very fixed opinions over how differently men and women are expected to behave during sex.  By learning to enjoy and express the full range of masculine to feminine sexual energies, the odds of having great sex are greatly improved.


Sex is, in itself, an act of intimacy; but intimacy is more than a physical act, as it is also about connecting on a social, emotional, mental and spiritual level as well.  Most couples find that intimacy grows over time spent together, and that intimacy is a potent contributor to great sex.  But intimacy is not a product of time, and even hookups can be expressions of great intimacy, if there is also respect, honesty, and genuine concern, in addition to the physical attraction.


Nope. Doesn’t make the list, though many would expect it to.  Technique is something that can be taught relatively easily, even learned “on the fly”.  There is no magic move that will guarantee great sex.  But even a novice, with no game whatsoever, could be guided to great sex with a lover who can communicate fully, has no fear or shame, can give as well as receive and can share an intimate connection.


Contribute to the discussion here. We'd love to hear what you have to say.