Are you at a crossroads with your sexuality … knowing there is so much more but just not sure on how to get there?  Here’s a suggestion for an easy and safe way into the unknown:

Knowing where to begin can be a difficult decision to make, especially when facing something new or unfamiliar.  Often times, the difficulty lies in the size or scope of the issue, and our inability to decide is more a method of avoidance than anything else.  But there are other times, when the inability to decide is due to how many exciting opportunities there are to choose from, each offering some as yet to be discovered answer to our dreams.

Exploring the wonderful world of sex can elicit some of the same type of reactions.  Whether you are someone just getting started or part of a long term relationship looking to break from old patterns, knowing where or how to begin can be a challenge, particularly for those interested in learning about sex by experiencing varieties that go beyond vanilla.  After all, there are so many possibilities to choose from, and the average person already comes equipped with a hidden desire or two; but being motivated is often not enough, since learning how to turn fantasy into realty without fear of embarrassment or disappointment is a skill that requires nurturing.

So if you have made or considered the decision to stretch your sexual comfort levels and explore, take care in appreciating the vulnerabilities involved by first asking yourself: Are my partner and I ready to play?

  • Can you and your partner openly discuss your sexual interests and desires without fear of embarrassment or shame?
  • Is the desire to explore mutual? One may be more enthusiastic than the other, but both must be committed.
  • Are you over any idea that a desire to explore and experience more is somehow an insult to current “methods”?
  • And, on a subject covered earlier, have you accepted the notion that, With Sex, You Never Know What You Might Come To Enjoy?

Surveys can tell you where most people would like to explore, with being dominated, dominant or threesomes being at or near the top of many fantasy charts.  But the idea of creating anything approaching an elaborate dungeon scene is an unreasonable expectation for anyone other than the most experienced to consider, and playing with others requires even greater preparation.

There is, however, a type of play that is easy to begin, requires nothing more than a good imagination, and yet provides some real learning opportunities.  It is a type of play whose name has been misused, and its potential diminished by being portrayed as an obscure joke in movies and tv.  But as a place to begin, role playing is a proven method that is part of virtually all advanced (non-vanilla) sex.  So suspend disbelief for a moment, forget the goofy scenes that almost always end in a laugh at someone’s expense, and consider using role playing as a means of exploring your sexuality.

Here’s how it can work:

  • You and your partner will each develop a character by selecting a name, background, ethnicity, whatever.  In time, these characters can truly take on lives of their own.
  • Select a character that is consistent with your “natural” sexual identity.  Leave gender crossing for another time.
  • Shop for the new identity.  What would (s)he wear to dinner or drinks … or in the bedroom?  Would they be bringing something new (no huge surprises!) into the bedroom to try?
  • Plan an evening together, and give each other permission to let your characters be free to explore.
  • If at all possible, prepare for your rendezvous in separate rooms to save some secrets for sharing later.

The objective is to polarize your characters such that the “naturally” masculine, is even more masculine, the feminine is more feminine.  Clothes, colors, scents and textures are all assigned by convention to be either inherently masculine or feminine.  Use these manners of self expression as icons of masculine and feminine sexual energy to empower and define the sexual identity of your characters.

  • Whatever your ultimate fantasy may be, consider adding an element of power exchange into the mix; something simple like an old silk tie for a blindfold or gentle wrist restraint.
  • The masculine side of the duo should be prepared to take control in the bedroom.  Walking the walk and talking the talk will naturally combine with all of the anticipation and preparation you have put into your character.  Now sit back and let him or her free to take charge and demonstrate masculine sexual energy.
  • Stay in character, take your time and keep it playful, enjoying each step along the way by focusing on the energetic aspects of the experience.  In other words, forget the mad race to get naked and have intercourse; sharing the exquisite pleasure of being “turned on” is what we’re after.
  • Rinse, wash and repeat.  It may take time to learn to fully surrender to the fantasy, but if you are truly able to let your character and imagination free, you may be surprised by what (s)he is capable of.  In fact, that is exactly what you are inviting to happen, to let your character be free to explore and try new things.  After all, you can always blame it on “Rico”!
  • Make it a habit to wait until the following day to check in with each other and discuss the play thoroughly.  Do this every time you play.  Be prepared to talk about what worked and what didn’t.  Were any boundaries tested or stretched … could you go further?  And most importantly, while humor is always great when shared, it is rarely appreciated when it’s at someone else’s expense.  It’s okay to tell your lover that something didn’t work for you, just be sure to refrain from teasing or laughing at your partner as a means of communicating the message.

The main intention of role play is to create a bridge between your public and private sexual identities – the parts of your sexuality that you are comfortable sharing, with those that remain as hidden desires, fantasies or curiosities.  By allowing your characters to behave and explore freely, you will learn to take that leap, giving yourself permission to pursue any sexual desire or interest.  By putting effort into shaping the sexual identity of your character, you will learn to recognize and appreciate the full spectrum of masculine to feminine sexual energy, and how, contrary to what our culture teaches us, these energies are independent of gender.  You may also come to learn that you have the ability to move along that spectrum at will, meeting your lover at any point of your choosing.

Learning to appreciate, cultivate and share the energetic aspects of sex are key elements in gaining full access to all that your sexuality has to offer.  Making the effort to learn and experience through role playing or some other method is the surest way of getting there.

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