By definition, a blog is simply a writer’s opinion, and mine is no different. Yet, what I trust will set Get Real With Sex apart from the vast majority of other, similar websites is that my opinions are based primarily upon an exceptional lifetime of sexual experiences; experiences which have run the gamut from ordinary vanilla varieties, to dominant/submissive play, cross dressing, threesomes, foursomes and then-somes.
As a self-proclaimed expert of sex and sexuality, it is difficult to determine when I first became interested in the subjects. It’s like asking a self-taught chef when he first became interested in food. Sex comes ‘naturally’ after all, we often let nature take its course, and so on. But like that chef whose interest in food propels him to understand the science of taste and the art of food, my interests drove me to consider sex and sexuality as subjects deserving more than casual appreciation.
Though highly experienced by this time, my transition from diner to chef did not truly begin until I first sat with pen and pad to begin outlining a book on sex in 2002. My mission seemed clear. I had accumulated what seemed to be an unusual if not unprecedented variety of sexual experiences, and I became convinced that these experiences shaped my sexual persona in manner that yielded nearly unlimited opportunity for even more, sexier sex. I would break these experiences down into their salient ingredients, and chart a course that people could follow to sexual bliss.
Outline in hand, I began by writing straight from the heart, without apology or excuse, taking what I had learned “naturally” and giving it structure. Soon concepts and nomenclature emerged, expanding on or inventing ways to articulate the underlying principles and practices of pansexuality; the name I had given my sexual philosophy several years earlier.
Put a hot topic together with an active social life, and as time went on it seemed as if a day would rarely pass that did not provide an opportunity to discuss my work. Often times, a casual conversation at an event or party would turn into a group discussion on the benefits of a pansexual lifestyle. These experiences were not only personally validating, as evidenced by the apparent interest in my message, but had the added benefit of establishing feedback loops with ‘students’ who were integrating pansexuality into their lives. The experiences of my students, often told in their own words, were later added to the book, solving many problems I was having in adequately conveying my message. While necessitating several complete re-writes, I remained enthused and convinced that my message was worthy of people’s attention.
As the writing progressed, so did the opportunities to discuss my work in both casual and formal settings. Hundreds of people were not only listening, but were all too happy to share the most intimate details of theirs lives with me. Although I did not fully comprehend it at the time, what made this all possible was an energetic component to sexuality; a component that is based on intention. It seemed that sincere interest combined with non-judgement to create an absolutely safe environment for full disclosure, and honest communication.
Writing part-time with an otherwise full life can be painfully tedious as it would often seem that I would just begin to flow when those precious three hours I had set aside for writing would pass. Yet I continued, and as months and years passed my perspective and voice continued to evolve, shaped by the writing, speaking engagements and my growing list of students. It was at an organized event where, after having been stalled for several months, I came to realize what had been hampering my ability to finish the last planned chapter; a flash of inspiration provided by a simple question that I could not adequately answer, “So, you open up to all sorts of sexual expression, go from vanilla sex to fetish play, then what?” Neither of us knew at that moment, how profound that question would prove to be.
In time I came to realize that my book, Changing the Guard, had to be rewritten again. Sexual liberation was not a destination achieved through a linear progression of experiences, but is more like a batch of homemade soup that gets more nutritious, aromatic and delicious with proper care and attention. It also seemed apparent that sexual liberation was more about how then what one did to achieve supreme pleasure. Leaving the question, what was providing the difference between those who are bored with and those who find mind-blowing pleasure from the most common sexual acts? More research was indicated.
By this time I had been working on Changing The Guard for about six years, and I could see that beyond the structural issues I had to overcome, the style of my writing contained multiple voices expressing an ever-evolving perspective. So I took this opportunity to pause for reflection and find some answers to these remaining questions. I also released myself from a self-imposed ban on reading other books about sex, no longer concerned that they would influence my “straight from the heart” style. The answers I was seeking settled in over time, and I was very pleased with the consistency I found in my theories and principles with many of those contained in various texts such as Taoist and Tantra practices. I was ready to tackle that book.
Except that I wasn’t ready. I had not solved the other significant remaining issue: the ability to write full-time. Enter this blog, Get Real With Sex, and a fresh chance at this old problem: the opportunity to leverage part-time writing into a full-time occupation. At the same time, Get Real With Sex will provide realtime feedback in the process every writer faces in translating ideas into words for the benefit of his or her readers. Accordingly, your questions and comments are appreciated.