Imagine there was a place you could go, where the elements of desire were guaranteed to be found:
Welcome to “The Bubble” … an antidote for desire trouble.
I want to try something just a little bit different with this posting. I am going to diverge from my typical approach and ask for audience participation in helping to test the concept that better sex is achieved through learning.
Participants will help with this “experiment”, by learning, practicing, then reporting on what I call, “the Bubble”.
Feedback from readers and home practitioners are always welcome too.
If there was a singular concept that ran through nearly every spoken or written word I have shared on the subject of sex, it would be that learning about sex is the key to solving nearly every sexual issue, problem, question or concern – as well as being your best proponent, for all of your hopes and dreams.
This concept was never truer than for couples who continue to love each other and value their relationship, yet somehow find that they have grown dissatisfied with their sex-lives together. Maybe one party wants more sex than the other, or that desire seems to have all but evaporated for one or both of them. In either case, the differences between what the couple wants and what they have may not be as complicated as it feels; especially for couples who also shared good sex in the past, and continue to have an interest, if not desire, in a better sex-life together.
If any of this resonates with you, especially if you can personally identify with the topic, then please read on while considering participating in this experiment, explained in detail here.
Before proceeding with my description of the Bubble, I would like to make it clear that I in no way believe that the problems of desire loss, sexless marriage and the like are categorically simple, “wave a magic wand” issues to overcome. And there are times when professional help is indicated. But for couples who have enjoyed an active sex life, have somehow fallen off the wagon and want to get back on again – as well as for couples who want to avoid this unfortunate pattern – I offer:
The Big Picture
To begin to understand the Bubble is to remember or imagine the best sex of your life, a time when you are apt to use such expressions as “lost in love”, “lost in bliss” or “lost in lust”. It’s at those times when the Bubble is at its highest settings, deflecting distractions, creating intimacy, letting your body free from the confines of conscious thought.
The Bubble shows up in more casual and random occasions as well. Conversations with a new crush that surprise us when three hours fly by, good night kisses that linger until the car windows fogged over, and any romantic, sexy, intimate occasion when you are lost in the moment are all examples of the Bubble. Put even more specifically, these are all examples of the ‘Spontaneous Bubble’, where all of the elements of desire showed up as a natural consequence of the encounter.
Though most often expressed along the lines of what men want as opposed to women, I believe a more useful generalization is to consider people belonging to one of two groups:
People who have sex as a means of connecting, and;
Those who connect as a means of having sex.
People who have sex to connect are highly sex-motivated; meaning, that the idea of sex alone may be enough to get them started. Desire is for physical pleasure and the intimacy and connection that may follow. This is the type of sex I characterize as, sex as friction, where it’s all about the physical aspects of sex.
People who connect to have sex are sexually motivated by feelings of intimacy. Desire is for emotional connection and the physical pleasure that may follow. This is sex as energy, where sexual pleasure is not dependent upon any physical act.
Although they often seem to be in opposition to each other, rather than two different types, think of them as two halves to a whole. The energetic component and the physical component working together. Each with its own sets of skills. Each equally important.
Put another way; the energetic component tells us when to touch, while the physical component tells us how.
The Bubble focuses on the energetic component of the equation.
A Good Foundation
Before getting started with any actual practice, couples should take the time to make sure they are in the best possible position to move forward. If there have been problems in the bedroom, then there’s a pretty good chance that some hurt or difficult feelings have also been involved.
What I am not talking about is rehashing old problems, psychoanalysis or assessing blame in any way. Nothing would be more counter-productive.
But in the context of what we have shared so far, consider the following questions:
Are you able to accept mutual responsibility for the current state of your sexual relationship?
Can you commit to leaving the past behind as you learn to move forward together?
Sex to connect types:
Do you see yourself as the primary instigator of sex?
Are you ready to stop trying and learn another approach?
Connect to have sex types:
Do you withhold your affection to avoid suggesting you are ready for sex?
Are you willing to open your heart to the possibility of sexual pleasure?
A wise person once said, “I cannot teach you until I open your heart to what I know”.
Without taking the time to communicate a sincere interest in leaving the past behind, and being open to learning something new, any effort to move forward would be compromised.
Mastering the Bubble
The objective of the exercises to follow is to take what we know from experiencing the “Spontaneous Bubble”, to use as a model for learning how to regain or share intimacy as an essential element to improving sexual relations.
Beginning with small increments of practice to larger ones, couples will learn to connect energetically in order to create an opportunity for physical connection later.
It is important to understand that engaging in the Bubble is not an invitation for physical sex. It is a place to connect and build intimacy, in an environment free from any pressure or expectation. It is a place to begin to learn the difference between the “energy” and “friction” of sex.
Lastly, when fully in the Bubble, it would be perfectly natural, even expected, that one or both of you will become sexually aroused. When this happens, simply add the pleasure to your focus, keep breathing and continue.
Phase 1 – Letting Your Body Go
We will begin to master the Bubble by experiencing it in its simplest form by allowing our bodies to respond naturally if only given a chance.
Begin with a hug. Not your average hug, as you will see – but even average hugs can become extraordinary if you hold on long enough. Our bodies have built in love and intimacy boosters that come in the forms of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin; hormones that are released when we hug and hold on, and when we make love.
So begin your practice with a daily hug of the greatest intentions, using the following suggestions:
- Practice begins with at least one embrace per day. Pick a time when you are fully awake, fully groomed, and ready to devote a full minute or two to nothing more than what you are doing. No talking, no thinking, only the embrace.
- As you wrap your arms around each other, focus on your breathing as you relax your bodies, allowing them to mold in together for maximum contact.
- As you hold on and relax into the embrace, you will come to know the comforting feeling of your body’s natural responses, providing a feeling of surrender as you go deeper into the embrace.
- Simply hold on for a minute or two.
Phase 2 – Adding To The Mix
When you have learned to quiet the mind and surrender to the embrace, you have accomplished the first objective: creating a safe harbor for expressing warmth, love, and affection without the pressure or expectation of sex.
Now we make it more interesting by learning how the feelings of intimacy work in conjunction with our sexual energy.
And be reminded that no matter how good your practice may come to feel – no sex (later that day or night is okay!). Make whatever you do together distinct from your practice for now.
Add these components to the mix:
- After the surrender, change your breathing and attention to help channel and focus all of the energy you have been feeling:
- sex to connectors – inhale as if you are breathing all of the love your partner is feeling for you into your heart; exhale as you imagine sending all of your sexual energy out of your loins and into your partners.
- connect to have sex types – exhale all of your love and affection through your heart and into your partners; inhale as you imagine inviting all of your partner’s sexual energy into your loins.
- Synchronize your breathing such that one inhales as the other exhales as a further refinement.
Phase 3 – Getting Physical
Although we will be moving on to learning more skills and an expanded practice, couples should think of the following exercise as being in addition to the daily intentional embrace. Over time, you might find that the embraces grow more frequent; but in any event, do not stop from taking just a minute or two per day, to lose yourself in an intimate embrace.
- Couples will begin as before. When the energy is flowing, recline into a more comfortable position and take the physical connection up one notch.
- Again, you’re not trying to initiate sex. Keep it in the PG category by gently nuzzling, squeezing and massaging each other. Even make out a bit if you like.
- Continue to lead with the heart while sharing any sexual energy that may follow – all the while maintaining your Bubble of intimacy, where nothing else exists.
- Be prepared to devote a minimum of 15-20 minutes per session, twice or more per week.
Phase 4 – Graduation
Couples will know it’s time to move their practice to a full expression of their desire for each other when they can affirm to the following:
- They can and have openly discussed all that they have experienced in learning and practicing the Bubble.
- The daily practice and Phase 3 play are mutually enjoyable, free-flow exchanges of love and sexual energy.
- They have acknowledged to each other their desire to include lovemaking into their practice.
Graduation to what I have called “a full expression of your desire” is not an invitation for a mad dash to get naked. It is an opportunity to extend everything that you enjoy through Phase 3, if and when you are ready.
- Progress slowly, using friction sparingly to coax the sexual energy along, pausing at each stage to enjoy its exquisite pleasure.
- Touch as if all of what you are feeling can pulse through the lightest touch; as it does, especially when the surfaces are wet!
- Later, if you are so inspired, there is always room for releasing from the heart just enough to let all of your physical urges go.
- Stay in your Bubble with a complete focus of attention. Nothing exists outside of the Bubble.
In closing, it’s important to understand that the exercises just outlined are intended for all “types” of people. And that what I have tried to explain is nothing more than a primer of what there is to learn and experience on the subjects. That said, the Bubble is a vehicle for any two people interested in bringing more intimacy into their relationship.
So stop waiting for Bubbles to spontaneously appear when you have the ability to experience being lost in love, bliss, and lust at any time of your choosing.
Intimacy is yours for the making.